why now of all times!?!

so after i painfully ended a wonderful open relationship so that i could marry and have kids and all that, my fiance has a revelation last night that maybe that whole open thing was not a bad idea!?! he knows there is only one other who i would want and i seriously doubt that he would go for it. i hurt him badly even though i did not want to. it literally came down to me choosing the one i loved who was ready for marriage and kids. i have not been nearly as happy since breaking things off and my feelings have not waned in the slightest. my ex has assumed the role of my best friend and i love him dearly. now of all things my fiance has even suggested that he'd be perfect for me in this. if he had realized this before i hurt him this would have been so much better! now i feel like shit because i know that if i bring this up to my friend he'll be pissed or hurt or both. of course if he bothered to subscribe to this or bookmark it he'll know exactly who he is and whether i talk to him directly about it will not matter. at first i discounted my fiance's idea because he had been drinking. well, i mentioned to him after he had sobered up what he had said. he admitted there was truth to it and he had been mulling it over for some time now. nice of him to finally clue me in, right? we even discussed what the rules would be. out of sight out of mind kind of thing. he knows how much i still love him even after all this time has passed and apparently this makes it easier for him somehow? does he finally understand polyamory? he has said he would feel guilty having a girlfriend even with my permission but he knows there are certain things that he cannot offer me and how much i miss my friend in that way. i am so confused and angry. i gave up someone who made me feel happier than anyone ever has in my entire life for him because he said that was what he needed of me. now he says i can have it back when i don't think my friend would be the slightest bit interested in going there again. especially with me getting ready to move across the country in a year. but can it be that the nights i have dreamed of still lying there with him, and reaching for him could be a reality somehow? apparently the decision, if it becomes a go, will grant him one time to ask if it is ok, and then no further mention or it is off. i don't want to be crushed by this which is what i am certain will happen. i think i'm losing my mind here and i'll never get it back. i know the answer will be no so why bother? a girl can dream. a girl can hold her memories closer than her reality. but she can never have exactly what she wants.