you never know

when faced with losing my fiance, i realized not what he lacked, but what he gave and had. while things are still tense after a nasty argument followed by a calmer discussion, all i can do is have faith that he will not go. i know it may seem selfish, but i would give anything to make him see that. i will not pray for it, no charms or spells. just hope. what i do pray is that he is happy. over the years i have seen him suffer in the misery caused by the women he has dated. i refuse to become one of them. he is the reason i am who i am when it comes to relationships. i saw the other side of women who "keep their man in line" and found it revolting. i'm not sure what else to say on the matter other than i hope with all my being that he remains with me.

new myspace page

you can find me under Rhinoa Lunar at myspace.com where i am displaying my story and artwork in bot it's manga/comic style and it's written style. if you are interested please come and check it out. thanks. ^_^

NEVER let logic make decisions of matters of the heart

i am still learning and so my japanese grammer probably sucks. at least if you can speak it you should get the general idea. the lesson i hope to share with everyone is this; NEVER let logic make decisions of matters of the heart. it only causes pain that you can never understand unless you have done it. the suffering does not end. it gets worse as each day passes. i am still friends with my loss. i simply cannot bring myself to share this with him...though i tell him most everything else. i will soon be translating a letter i wrote to him the last time i saw him into japanese...no he is not japanese and no i did not give him the letter...i know, i'm rotten. he can't read it he did see the poem on myspace but he does not want the translation at this time...now i am stuck in a trap that i cannot escape...even if i could, who would i turn to? once again logic has no place in decisions of the heart. i was selfish and i am so very sorry that you cannot imagine what i put myself through daily. i cry myself to sleep most nights...i have lost all interest in my wedding...i used to feel naked if i forgot to put my engagement ring on in the morning...now i feel burdened by it...but all of this is my doing and so i must suffer it. who else can do my penance...moreover who would i allow to do so. i guess that sums up my current feelings.

Shi No Tame Watashi-no Aigo No Koi

doshite watashi-wa dekiru miru eien ni itsu watashi-wa no koto omou anata
itsumo watashi-wa kanji namae sore passhon naka-de watashi-no kokoru kara
watashi-wa tashika na tada de watashi-wa suru koto ga dekiru mae ni iu amonaito
suru no jibun sochi suru
watashi-wa tsumari uragiru watashi-ni mada suru watashi-no jishin no kanji'iru
soshite kangae
watashi yakusoku anata watashi-wa suru tsumori itsumo ren'aichu no anata
watashi koi to onaji kuai dare monai anata
kudaku watashi-no kokoru kara
watashi-no mono sekenin
watashi wakaru soshite uketoru kanzen sekenin
dekiru yurusu watashi-ni man ga ichi anata au
dekiru anata ano onaji, onaji kurai mukashi
watashi koimotomeru no tame ni anata no kisu
subete hoshigaru watashi anata no fureru koto
suwatteiru jikan koko de ni munashisa watashi soto ni sodon suru sawagi hitori no
dore mo dekiru watashi daiyaku o suru shin'yo suru onaji kurai shin'yo suru anata
sabishisa watashi-no tsumihoroboshi
watashi gen'in kurushimi
yori isso watashi-wa negai kaeru kurishimi watashi-no yo ni ren'aichu nozomu
anata
suru made watashi yuigon ren'aichu no itsumo anata shi made watashi
o gisei ni shite watashi-no tabun kokuhaku, demo anata wakaru watashi-wa
shojiki
no nakae anata no mono te watashi-no sore de
no tame ni watashi-no koi de anata
kubaru ni watashi hitotsu ichibetsuitosu ito
watashi nozomu mattaku nai mata machi gaeru
ano eranda hito ni yotte watashi-no mattaku nai kokoru kara
tsu ni watashi-wa de kuikaesu naka de soboku na furezu
ren'aichu no anata watashi, soshite suru tsumori itsumo watashi-wa

why now of all times!?!

so after i painfully ended a wonderful open relationship so that i could marry and have kids and all that, my fiance has a revelation last night that maybe that whole open thing was not a bad idea!?! he knows there is only one other who i would want and i seriously doubt that he would go for it. i hurt him badly even though i did not want to. it literally came down to me choosing the one i loved who was ready for marriage and kids. i have not been nearly as happy since breaking things off and my feelings have not waned in the slightest. my ex has assumed the role of my best friend and i love him dearly. now of all things my fiance has even suggested that he'd be perfect for me in this. if he had realized this before i hurt him this would have been so much better! now i feel like shit because i know that if i bring this up to my friend he'll be pissed or hurt or both. of course if he bothered to subscribe to this or bookmark it he'll know exactly who he is and whether i talk to him directly about it will not matter. at first i discounted my fiance's idea because he had been drinking. well, i mentioned to him after he had sobered up what he had said. he admitted there was truth to it and he had been mulling it over for some time now. nice of him to finally clue me in, right? we even discussed what the rules would be. out of sight out of mind kind of thing. he knows how much i still love him even after all this time has passed and apparently this makes it easier for him somehow? does he finally understand polyamory? he has said he would feel guilty having a girlfriend even with my permission but he knows there are certain things that he cannot offer me and how much i miss my friend in that way. i am so confused and angry. i gave up someone who made me feel happier than anyone ever has in my entire life for him because he said that was what he needed of me. now he says i can have it back when i don't think my friend would be the slightest bit interested in going there again. especially with me getting ready to move across the country in a year. but can it be that the nights i have dreamed of still lying there with him, and reaching for him could be a reality somehow? apparently the decision, if it becomes a go, will grant him one time to ask if it is ok, and then no further mention or it is off. i don't want to be crushed by this which is what i am certain will happen. i think i'm losing my mind here and i'll never get it back. i know the answer will be no so why bother? a girl can dream. a girl can hold her memories closer than her reality. but she can never have exactly what she wants.

is there something wrong with me?

i am not feeling my wedding anymore. i feel isolated from my fiance and i regret leaving someone from my past. i have no chance whatsoever to be with that person, and that's only the smallest part of this whole thing. i keep telling myself it should get better. we'll be moving where i want to live. we're going to have kids. i'm getting everything i wanted out of life. i do love him, i just...i'm not sure how to put it into words. not only am i having these doubts but fate keeps stepping in and making it nearly impossible to pay for even an in home pot luck wedding. am i losing my mind or simply trying to avoid the hint? some days i feel like he just is happy i'm around and not that he's really caring who i am, just that i am here. i don't know. this is not the first time i've felt this way and doubted the whole thing. i'm just so damned upset. i don't even know why really.

i'm not sure

i'm not sure why i got the urge to write here today. i've been working on a real book of shadows. not a collection of ideas i thought would fit me, but what actually does after over ten years of being a witch. this simple handwritten tome with a beautiful gothik fayrie adorning the cover is giving me a feeling that perhaps i am finally coming into my own here. no more going with someone else's ideas of what it means to be a witch. this is all me. i've tried to write one before. i even have all of those failed attempts lying about. some things i used. mostly they are basic librams of runes and symbols with a touch of herb guides. this time i am truly laying out my foundations and this makes me feel more complete. i think i will do a rededication once i have completed this task. my views on some things are not exactly wiccan but have a place in my faith. wiccans tend not to like people like me. no that came out wrong. they do not understand people with my gifts and only see the negative side of them. yet they forget that a balance is constant and if one learns to use their talents they can control and contain things that could harm. it is sad really. i will be working on this a while i believe. i know it will never be complete. a true book of shadows is lovingly handed down and edited as each new reader makes adjustments that work for them. i'll go more into my gifts in another post but these are not for now.

Fay

tropical storm fay was wet and fun. seriously, if you live in florida and freak out over a simple tropical storm you need to move. my fiance and i saw people driving like idiots and literally freaking out. above is an image taken when the eye of the storm was leaving our area and since the lower part of the storm had almost no wind and light pacific northwest rain we decided to survey the area and check on the house his mother is trying to sell. a little street flooding and our power blinked a few times but never stayed out for more than five minutes. some people are without power and some main streets are closed because of flooding. but if you live here these things are expected. you don't move to la and think an earthquake is impossible so why live here and think a storm won't come? i hate people some days.

wedding plans

dear goddess this is not easy. i am trying to plan a yule wedding that is in no way religious. yeah, this coming from the witch. i'm trying to find out a way to convert those plain cheap ornaments from target and wal-mart into place card holders/favors. i thought it would be fun to have individually decorated ornaments for everyone to take home. similar pre-made card holders are like $12 for 4! ridiculous, right? sometimes i forget how many pagans there are when i look for yule wedding ideas. it seems they always ask me "did you mean christmas weddings?" no i did not and fuck you for assuming i must have been thinking of another religion's holiday! well, sort of another religion's holiday...not really, but sort of. where are all the pagans? it seems i go to wiccan and pagan web sites and find that they are not being updated and that nobody has done anything since 2004. 2004 seems to be the average year. did everyone just give up on the web? or am i looking in the wrong places? if i can figure out these programs i'll be making my own, but will i be alone? i hope not. i am unsure though.

the fayries are watching

well, i took this picture quite some time ago. it is just one of many that i have taken with my cheap little digital camera. this type of photography is all it seems good for actually. orbs can be dust, but they can be so much more. if you zoom in and can see something real it can be incredible. i have zoomed in to find my grandfather, the face of one of my cousin's friends, and yes, a fayrie. the fayrie is by far the most outstanding of all the photos. zoomed almost as far as i can get i can clearly see her face and wings. she appears to be laughing or smiling mischieviously to something in the distance. i have always been drawn to the fae, but never had i seen them before on this plane. often resorting to meditation to hear or glimpse them one can imagine my shock at this photograph. whenever i take a picture that seems to have something unexpected in it i scrutinize it and search for anything to say that it was dust or light. there is no mistaking this tiny shadow from the other world. see for yourself.
this photo was a complete accident. i was at my nephew's birthday party and he bumped into me while i was holding the camera. well, needless to say i hit the button as i held the camera out of the little guy's reach. i nearly deleted the picture right then and there, but when i saw there were orbs present i thought i'd load it on my computer and take a closer look. almost a year went by and i forgot about the picture. then i decided to clear my camera. i loaded the pictures onto the computer and came across it again. tell me what you think.

my first rant

so here i am doing something i never thought about doing before. perhaps i will tire of it and scrap the whole thing, but then again, maybe not. whatever the case may be i suppose i shall begin my first rant.

if one thing has me irked right now i must say the issue and debate over immigration is near the top of my list. unless your ancestors were forced onto a reservation i have news for you people. you are descended from immigrants so you should get over yourselves! years ago it was the irish who were blamed for all the jobs going to immigrants. it has been every group of europeans thus far who blamed one another for one thing or another. now suddenly because the people seeking freedom are not caucassion it is a big deal to you people!?!
that being said i do think the whole legality is a problem. when you have people who don't pay taxes and need to use programs funded by taxes there is an issue. however looking at the hassle and hurdles to gain legal immigration status leads me to believe that a person would be more than a little overwhelmed by the process.
some say the solution is to build fences and station armed guards. others say that preventing people from setting foot on our soil is the key. my thought is not to shut out and isolate, but rather to rework the immigration process so that it is less confusing. if you have people who do not understand the culture or language you are going to have some difficulty regardless of the simplicity of the process. however by making the whole thing less intimidating the door will be open to create legal, tax-paying citizens who can contribute to our immigration-based society.
the nest issue regarding immigration would have to be language. once again i say unless your ancestors were driven to a reservation or wiped out by mass genocide, you cannot say that the language of your ancestors is the language of this land. english, while a widespread language throughout the world, is not the first language of this nation. it is true that english is the most common, but spanish is quickly closing the gap. in canada children learn both english and french as a mandatory part of their education. canadians are not ashamed to admit they have enough people who speak both. they understand the need to keep the communication lines open. the hispanic population in this country is growing to become a leading mass. with this in mind i suggest a mandatory spanish education alongside the traditional english. in some states and counties such as florida where i live the policies are already forming due to the growing population. oddly enough one could even argue that we as a nation do not speak actual english. we have changed the language into a dialect based on english much like creole to french and cantonese or mandarin to chinese.
the bottom line is as long as we stay true to our roots there will always be immigrants. we should accept that as reality and stop spouting off hatred. hate does no person any good. we need to work at fixing the problem by reinventing the process and educating our children to be accepting, not tolerant, but accepting. i have a problem with calling it tolerance. a person tolerates what they dislike because they have no real choice. a person who accepts something knows that while they may not agree with or understand something, it is still unique to this world and has it's place therein.