Back after a Long Hiatus

I have neglected my blog and I'm not sure why but I feel compelled to begin anew. I have been through many things and while most of them may seem trivial, they have impacted me and shaped me into the person I now am. I have pledged myself to the Goddess Cerredwin. It was more of a calling really. I am removing dairy from my diet. I have dropped 4 pant sizes and remain steady in my healthy weight loss without the use of surgery or pills! ^_^ I keep company with good friends and am putting my plans to return to Washington in effect. While a year separates me from this goal, it can only come closer. I have remained single since moving back to the east coast of Florida. I still speak, though rarely, to my former fiance. He is doing well and I am happy for him. I do grow lonely but I try not to dwell on this for too long. All should work itself out. Now I look forward and hope for the best.

you never know

when faced with losing my fiance, i realized not what he lacked, but what he gave and had. while things are still tense after a nasty argument followed by a calmer discussion, all i can do is have faith that he will not go. i know it may seem selfish, but i would give anything to make him see that. i will not pray for it, no charms or spells. just hope. what i do pray is that he is happy. over the years i have seen him suffer in the misery caused by the women he has dated. i refuse to become one of them. he is the reason i am who i am when it comes to relationships. i saw the other side of women who "keep their man in line" and found it revolting. i'm not sure what else to say on the matter other than i hope with all my being that he remains with me.

new myspace page

you can find me under Rhinoa Lunar at myspace.com where i am displaying my story and artwork in bot it's manga/comic style and it's written style. if you are interested please come and check it out. thanks. ^_^

NEVER let logic make decisions of matters of the heart

i am still learning and so my japanese grammer probably sucks. at least if you can speak it you should get the general idea. the lesson i hope to share with everyone is this; NEVER let logic make decisions of matters of the heart. it only causes pain that you can never understand unless you have done it. the suffering does not end. it gets worse as each day passes. i am still friends with my loss. i simply cannot bring myself to share this with him...though i tell him most everything else. i will soon be translating a letter i wrote to him the last time i saw him into japanese...no he is not japanese and no i did not give him the letter...i know, i'm rotten. he can't read it he did see the poem on myspace but he does not want the translation at this time...now i am stuck in a trap that i cannot escape...even if i could, who would i turn to? once again logic has no place in decisions of the heart. i was selfish and i am so very sorry that you cannot imagine what i put myself through daily. i cry myself to sleep most nights...i have lost all interest in my wedding...i used to feel naked if i forgot to put my engagement ring on in the morning...now i feel burdened by it...but all of this is my doing and so i must suffer it. who else can do my penance...moreover who would i allow to do so. i guess that sums up my current feelings.

Shi No Tame Watashi-no Aigo No Koi

doshite watashi-wa dekiru miru eien ni itsu watashi-wa no koto omou anata
itsumo watashi-wa kanji namae sore passhon naka-de watashi-no kokoru kara
watashi-wa tashika na tada de watashi-wa suru koto ga dekiru mae ni iu amonaito
suru no jibun sochi suru
watashi-wa tsumari uragiru watashi-ni mada suru watashi-no jishin no kanji'iru
soshite kangae
watashi yakusoku anata watashi-wa suru tsumori itsumo ren'aichu no anata
watashi koi to onaji kuai dare monai anata
kudaku watashi-no kokoru kara
watashi-no mono sekenin
watashi wakaru soshite uketoru kanzen sekenin
dekiru yurusu watashi-ni man ga ichi anata au
dekiru anata ano onaji, onaji kurai mukashi
watashi koimotomeru no tame ni anata no kisu
subete hoshigaru watashi anata no fureru koto
suwatteiru jikan koko de ni munashisa watashi soto ni sodon suru sawagi hitori no
dore mo dekiru watashi daiyaku o suru shin'yo suru onaji kurai shin'yo suru anata
sabishisa watashi-no tsumihoroboshi
watashi gen'in kurushimi
yori isso watashi-wa negai kaeru kurishimi watashi-no yo ni ren'aichu nozomu
anata
suru made watashi yuigon ren'aichu no itsumo anata shi made watashi
o gisei ni shite watashi-no tabun kokuhaku, demo anata wakaru watashi-wa
shojiki
no nakae anata no mono te watashi-no sore de
no tame ni watashi-no koi de anata
kubaru ni watashi hitotsu ichibetsuitosu ito
watashi nozomu mattaku nai mata machi gaeru
ano eranda hito ni yotte watashi-no mattaku nai kokoru kara
tsu ni watashi-wa de kuikaesu naka de soboku na furezu
ren'aichu no anata watashi, soshite suru tsumori itsumo watashi-wa

why now of all times!?!

so after i painfully ended a wonderful open relationship so that i could marry and have kids and all that, my fiance has a revelation last night that maybe that whole open thing was not a bad idea!?! he knows there is only one other who i would want and i seriously doubt that he would go for it. i hurt him badly even though i did not want to. it literally came down to me choosing the one i loved who was ready for marriage and kids. i have not been nearly as happy since breaking things off and my feelings have not waned in the slightest. my ex has assumed the role of my best friend and i love him dearly. now of all things my fiance has even suggested that he'd be perfect for me in this. if he had realized this before i hurt him this would have been so much better! now i feel like shit because i know that if i bring this up to my friend he'll be pissed or hurt or both. of course if he bothered to subscribe to this or bookmark it he'll know exactly who he is and whether i talk to him directly about it will not matter. at first i discounted my fiance's idea because he had been drinking. well, i mentioned to him after he had sobered up what he had said. he admitted there was truth to it and he had been mulling it over for some time now. nice of him to finally clue me in, right? we even discussed what the rules would be. out of sight out of mind kind of thing. he knows how much i still love him even after all this time has passed and apparently this makes it easier for him somehow? does he finally understand polyamory? he has said he would feel guilty having a girlfriend even with my permission but he knows there are certain things that he cannot offer me and how much i miss my friend in that way. i am so confused and angry. i gave up someone who made me feel happier than anyone ever has in my entire life for him because he said that was what he needed of me. now he says i can have it back when i don't think my friend would be the slightest bit interested in going there again. especially with me getting ready to move across the country in a year. but can it be that the nights i have dreamed of still lying there with him, and reaching for him could be a reality somehow? apparently the decision, if it becomes a go, will grant him one time to ask if it is ok, and then no further mention or it is off. i don't want to be crushed by this which is what i am certain will happen. i think i'm losing my mind here and i'll never get it back. i know the answer will be no so why bother? a girl can dream. a girl can hold her memories closer than her reality. but she can never have exactly what she wants.

is there something wrong with me?

i am not feeling my wedding anymore. i feel isolated from my fiance and i regret leaving someone from my past. i have no chance whatsoever to be with that person, and that's only the smallest part of this whole thing. i keep telling myself it should get better. we'll be moving where i want to live. we're going to have kids. i'm getting everything i wanted out of life. i do love him, i just...i'm not sure how to put it into words. not only am i having these doubts but fate keeps stepping in and making it nearly impossible to pay for even an in home pot luck wedding. am i losing my mind or simply trying to avoid the hint? some days i feel like he just is happy i'm around and not that he's really caring who i am, just that i am here. i don't know. this is not the first time i've felt this way and doubted the whole thing. i'm just so damned upset. i don't even know why really.

i'm not sure

i'm not sure why i got the urge to write here today. i've been working on a real book of shadows. not a collection of ideas i thought would fit me, but what actually does after over ten years of being a witch. this simple handwritten tome with a beautiful gothik fayrie adorning the cover is giving me a feeling that perhaps i am finally coming into my own here. no more going with someone else's ideas of what it means to be a witch. this is all me. i've tried to write one before. i even have all of those failed attempts lying about. some things i used. mostly they are basic librams of runes and symbols with a touch of herb guides. this time i am truly laying out my foundations and this makes me feel more complete. i think i will do a rededication once i have completed this task. my views on some things are not exactly wiccan but have a place in my faith. wiccans tend not to like people like me. no that came out wrong. they do not understand people with my gifts and only see the negative side of them. yet they forget that a balance is constant and if one learns to use their talents they can control and contain things that could harm. it is sad really. i will be working on this a while i believe. i know it will never be complete. a true book of shadows is lovingly handed down and edited as each new reader makes adjustments that work for them. i'll go more into my gifts in another post but these are not for now.